FROM MX News, 16th
Devils on horseback: Nile reins in the pooves with hoovesBy Kaz Cooke
January 17, 2006
Isn't it the most tremendous fun to see Fred Nile back in the news? Fred Nile commenting on events in the 21st century is like hearing there's still a shop somewhere where you can get unflattering pants made of parachute material.
Last week, Nile was asked to comment on two American cinemas banning the movie Brokeback Mountain, which tells the sad story of two cowboys in America who fall in love. The cowboys hide their true feelings because of, well, an oversupply of the sort of people who want to ban movies about men who fall in love with each other.
Nile and other frightfully concerned Christians say they are worried that families will go to see Brokeback Mountain without knowing there are gay people in it (Lord only knows what will happen when they find out some actual families have gay people in them).
A spokes-tutter from the Australian Family Association says the film shouldn't be promoted as a Western or on general release. (Not even if the poster says: "Look out! Great Big Poofy Western.")
"I think it's causing great confusion to have two homosexual cowboys after all the popularity of the cowboy theme," Nile told the ABC. He would like the film banned. But if not, it should be available only to other chap-loving chaps who wear chaps.
"I imagine if it's on videos, and people from the homosexual community would hire copies of it, or purchase copies of it." (At some point in the next decade some kindly soul might like to take him aside and explain what a DVD is.)
I can't even remember what Nile is a reverend of, exactly. The Church of the Poisoned Mind? Didn't he belong to something that sounded like an advertising slogan for long-life bulbs - the Festival of Light?
Anyway, that's by the bisexual. The point is, his idea is brilliant, and yet somehow doesn't go far enough.
Here's what should happen. There should be precisely one Beta video copy of Brokeback Mountain in this country, and it should be available only at Fred's house. If you are a gay horse-wrangler who wishes to see it, you should have to go to Fred's house, prove in some way that you are an utter homosexual with a working knowledge of fetlocks, and then sit down on the couch (which I imagine is covered in clear plastic for hygiene purposes) and watch the movie.
This general principle of restricted availability of current movies will apply, to a slightly lesser extent, to all other recent releases (you won't have to go to Fred's, because it will be booked solid with seething, brooding, equine-fancying, trance-dancy nancy boys), as follows:
• King Kong Should be distributed only in the primate community, and to people who already have experience of swinging on vines, pashing Adrien Brody, wearing whisper-thin satin gowns and screaming lustily.
• Good Night, and Good Luck Should be distributed only to people with the surname Clooney who live in villas on the shores of Lake Como in Italy, whose lifestyle is black and white.
• Nanny McPhee Should be available only on loan to dentally challenged childminders in need of full foil highlights.
• Chicken Little To be screened only to those who believe that (a) the sky is falling or (b) animated chickens are caused by intelligent design.
• The Chronicles of Narnia The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Witches?
Burn them! Unless the whole thing is an allegory for the Christian religion, in which case children should be lashed to their seats with twine for the duration, but still, eh, witches. Bring matches in case.
• Rumour Has It Only the devil could keep Jennifer Anniston's hair looking like that. Banned.
• Memoirs of a Geisha Foreign filth. Only to be seen by blue-eyed Chinese women pretending to be Japanese.
• Casanova Costume drama filth. To be shown only to men wearing stockings and powdered wigs.
Hang on a minute.
• Kaz Cooke is a Melbourne writer and cartoonist. 'Brokeback Mountain' (rated M) opens on Australia Day.